Lots has happened & I haven't written because I'm avoiding dealing with everything (most things).

Work
 Work is slowly sucking my soul out of my body. I literally have no work to do sometimes. I've started applying for jobs and have been luck enough to have two in-person interviews this week. One already has followed up to a second interview next week (yay!) and the other asked for my salary requirements. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high but I am excited about making more money (I owe the IRS) and having actual work to do.

 
Sex
Doug came over last Friday and I couldn't have sex with him. I was simply not in the mood & didn't want him all over me. I told him I was tired & he said that was cool but I'm unsure if it was. It probably was. He then dropped the bombshell we should be using condoms so I don't get pregnant. When I explained that's what the IUD was doing he said he just felt more secure going back to condoms. This, of course, I said was fine but on the inside I felt like maybe he didn't trust me to manage our contraception. And I haven't seen him since mostly because I'm not in the mood (maybe meds, maybe mood) and also because I'm feeling a little rejected, even though I know that was not his intention.

Friends
Andy has traveled back to NYC to see his boyfriend & I'm starting to miss his presence. I know, intellectually, it will be hard to not see him 3 times a week but I've got a sneaking supposition I'm gonna fall to pieces a couple of weeks after he's gone. And with Rachel leaving I'll feel even more lonely. I'm secretly hoping there is an apartment here in the city that Steph can afford because I don't feel good about her moving to the east bay. Andy & I joke I've seen here more in NY than I will if she moves to Oakland. Sigh.....

Mom
My Mom is super frustrated at work. After 37 years of teaching she's had it. She used to love LOVE her job but now it's just something she has to do everyday. It's stressing me out because I fear I'm headed for the same thing if I don't settle down with a job (and soon). We still haven't talked about her moving again but I feel like I could tell her I'm not ready just now - how that will be received I'm not sure.


Granny 
I've called her three times in the last few weeks. Twice was to wish her happy birthday (I got the dates wrong) and once was just to talk while at lunch one day. It's was nice. And... She's stopped asking if I talked to my Dad. Of, course she still wants grandchildren but that's not going to happen & I just roll my eyes & laugh.

Rachel

Rachel just told me she might be moving in June. First Andy, now Rachel. Steph is coming back but she won't be in the city. I'm trying not to freak out but I'm going to be very sad once everyone is gone.

Sleeeeeeeeep

Without fail I have fallen asleep before 9 p.m. every night this week. I wake up around 1 a.m. to put things away, turn off lights and crawl back into bed. I've also been extremely bored so sleep is something I do to pass the time. Needless-to-say, I think it's possible my meds aren't working - not if I'm still sleeping my life away.

Dougie Fresh

I saw Dougie on Sunday. I then sent him a message Wednesday afternoon to "hook up" for Wednesday after work. Naturally, he agreed. I knew I wasn't going to have a great time in bed (and I didn't) but I liked and wanted to lay around and cuddle (which we did). I don't want him to be my boyfriend but I wish we could see each other a little more often for cuddling. Le sigh.

Work

I've, against better judgement & suggestion, applied for the job that my co-worker was fired from two weeks ago. Not because I want the job but because I need things to be shaken up a little bit. Boredom is my worst enemy/my truest arch-nemesis. Boredom drives me to sex, drugs and rock & roll and not in a fun way. I'm fairly certain the dean doesn't like me, the job requires more of a time commitment than my current and the pay probably isn't much better but... It gives me something to do.

Hopefully I'll still have a job at the end of this little detour.

Doug

Once again, I've stopped having orgasms with Dougie. I don't know if it's my meds but I think so 'cause I'm not able to have them on my own either. I still don't  say anything to him about it because he seems to be having a great time and in exchange I get to pretend for a few hours that I'm normal, in a normal relationship, with a normal guy, doing normal things. In actuality it's not a normal relationship (perhaps in San Francisco it's normal) but it's all I have and I'm not ready to give it up just yet. I would miss the cuddling too much.

I hate the word normal.

Ron

I saw Ron on Friday morning waiting for the bus. We both got on the same bus but he didn't speak or even look in my direction. I stood 5 feet from him for 15 minutes on the bus. Awkward yes, surprising no.

Courtnasty

I bailed on work early to met Courtney at the park to hang out & have drinks. After about an hour of hanging out I realize that I like Courtney but don't know her very well and quite frankly, other than a love of boys, we don't have much in common. I'd like to continue to hang out with "Coutnasty" but my low tolerance for liquor & staying up late might make that hard. Plus, so I really need a 26 year old friend? A friend, yes - but I feel like I'm barking up the wrong tree. She's fun but I need more stability/consistency in a friendship. I bailed on her after we went to a second bar after the park - I just can't drink that much.